Advice to Non-Queer Parents from a Queer Kid
There is no guide to raising kids. As many books as we might read or research we might do, truly no parent or parent-to-be knows what they’re doing. Parenting serves as the ultimate form of trial and error, where the pressure is higher, the stakes are greater and moments of failure can leave a new life with years of trauma and tons of future therapy bills. Combining the unknown of child-rearing with children who exist at multiple intersections such as disability, marginalized racial identity, or LGBTQ+-hood can cause any caretaker to feel lost and confused. But while there might not be a “one size fits all” guide to raising every child, our collective knowledge and advice from those who lived it helps. With this in mind, here’s advice from a queer kid on raising children a part of the LGBTQ+ community and creating an environment where a possibly queer child can thrive.
You’re Child Can’t Be Who You Imagine Them To Be
When thinking of children, parents, and parents-to-be often dream up ideas of who their kids will be. You might be expecting a boy and imagine him being tall and handsome, perhaps a lady-killer just like pops, or dream of a daughter like her mother, who is brilliantly witty and has an impeccable fashion sense. In any case, while notions of who our children could be aren’t inherently negative, these notions have a sly way of translating into expectations for our kids. Our joy of having a handsome, lady-killer son comes with the assumption our child will be straight. The notion of expecting a daughter with an impeccable fashion sense like mommy comes with the notion that our daughter will not only feel in alignment with the gender assigned to her at birth but also limits her to the fashion and style of her mother. These simple notions of who our kids can easily become ideals our children have to break when they define who they are for themselves. So, when raising kids who are queer, or wanting to make the space a safe place for queer children to thrive, we as parents and parents to be must release the notions of who are children could be and show up for who our children are in the moment. Rather than dreaming of your child’s future self, lean into who your child knows themselves to be in the moment. Through doing so, children have a safe space to exist in all of their identities, including their queerness, without feeling like there are other expectations on them and you as the parent can be attuned with who your child truly is vs who you wish them to be.
Educate Yourself On The Queer Experience
It is very easy for us as humans to only be interested in learning about things that mirror our experiences. If we are lucky, we are blessed to have someone in our family or close circle that inspires us to learn about other experiences. Still, the prerequisite is rooted in us and what we find important. This leaves the LGBTQ+ experience up to chance; so instead, be curious. LGBTQ+ folks in this country have had a very different experience, at times, than their straight counterparts. This history of the community makes up the world your child will live in today. Through educating yourself on historic moments like the Stonewall riots, or historic figures like James Baldwin and Marsha P. Johnson, you gain a historical understanding of what it has meant to be queer. Once you’ve got some history under your belt, find real-world experiences of queer folks living today. These first-hand accounts will help to humanize the history you’ve learned and make it easier to understand where your child’s daily experience of access, love, safety, comfortability, and more, might be different than yours.
When In Doubt, Listen More Than You Speak
As humans, when dealing with things we don’t quite understand, we can either become shut off to the idea or become question-obsessed with hopes there will be a clean-cut answer. For queerness, because it dives into deep things like sexuality and gender – which are very expansive and personal to each individual – rather than asking many questions of your child who might not have all the language, inquire lightly. Above all, observe who they are showing themselves to be and listen to them when they do speak. Often it’s not about having the right answer or anecdote, but it’s about showing up with a loving heart and a listening ear that queer children grow up to appreciate their non-queer parents.
Affirm and Trust Your Child
Oftentimes it is easy to believe in that age-old belief that you are the adult and know more than your child. While this might be true in some areas, in areas of self-identity your child does have the ultimate inkling as to who they are and their story. Providing your child with the agency to self-determine, loving affirmation, and trusting your child with their identity will not only allow them more space to explore their queer identity but also will aid in creating an environment where your child feels they’re in the driver’s seat and empowered by identity rather than disempowered.
Lean Into Love
Lastly, lean into love. It’s not easy raising any child excessively queer children. They face a unique set of problems that truly no one, parent or not, can mitigate all of them. Beyond problems, the human experience, whether cis or trans is complicated; it ebbs and flows, changes and grows, so in moments of nonunderstanding, confusion or strife, lean into love. Lean into the inherent love you have for your child and how you want the world to love them. By displaying this love through it all, you set the standard of love that your child will expect to receive from the world.
Raising queer children is a beautiful experience and with time, a couple of helpful tips, and investing in your child’s queer identity, you can become, not an expert in all things queer parenting, but rather one step closer to showing up as simply a better parent for your child than you were the previous day.