The content of this article is satirical and represents a work of fiction, or Fake News. The characters within are fictitious.
Aired on September 2 – As a member of the Town Council, Jeff Dumont voted to impose more COVID-19 restrictions on the people of Ball, even when nearly every city and town in our parish had weakened or abolished theirs. Alexandria – no restrictions. Pineville – no restrictions. Boyce, Woodworth, Lecompte – no restrictions. Dumont didn’t even respect your small businesses enough to allow them to operate past ten o’clock, voting to impose a curfew three separate times. Jeff Dumont: How can he be for the people when he isn’t for your freedom?
Aired on September 14 – Del Burnett claims he’ll be a mayor for the people, but he’ll really be a mayor for the prisons. He’s expressed constant support for Governor Green’s highly unfair and highly expensive plans to expand private prisons and lock up Louisianans for minor offenses. He refuses to criticize police misbehavior and is more in the business of making money than defending justice. Del Burnett won’t support you; he’ll report you.
Aired on September 29 – Jeff Dumont wants to use your hard-earned money to make your money even harder to earn. He ruthlessly criticized Mayor Kitching’s budget and proposed an increase in residential taxes. If elected, it’s almost certain he’ll follow through with it. Jeff Dumont wants to take more money out of your pocket for nothing in return. He won’t spend on the police, he won’t spend on the fire department, and he won’t spend on our schools. He wants to bleed us dry and leave us unprotected. This November, bet on Burnett: the safer pick for a safer Ball.
Aired on October 11 – Del Burnett loves guns. Del Burnett loves money. Del Burnett loves using your money to buy more guns. Del Burnett owns a million-dollar home in Monroe where he shoots guns for fun. Del Burnett may as well be shooting you for fun. Del Burnett doesn’t care about you; he cares about his guns, and he cares about his money. If you think people are more important than guns, vote Jeff Dumont for the mayor of Ball.
Aired on October 16 – Let’s face it: Jeff Dumont will get you killed. Dumont has a proven record of being a wuss on crime and preferring minimal punishment to warranted discipline. With Dumont as mayor, you won’t be safe, your kids won’t be safe, and if he lasts long enough, your kids’ kids won’t be safe. Jeff Dumont believes in chaos, and he wants our town to look more like Fallujah than Ball. If you want to relive the Iraq War, Jeff Dumont is your man. Bet on Burnett if you want to live in Ball, not a warzone.
Aired on October 17 – Del Burnett robbed me at gunpoint. I was walking to my car after making a withdrawal at Wells Fargo when a man with a stocking over his face pistol-whipped me and took my wallet. I still have the bruise to prove it. He lifted his mask, spat on me, and said “If you don’t bet on Burnett, you get what you get,” before laughing about how I no longer had any money to bet with. Then he made me give him my mother’s address so he could shoot her windows out. My mother is ninety-two. Was ninety-two. Please, for the love of God, make the right choice this November.
Aired on October 18 – Jeff Dumont’s momma is so old she bought her first house in Gomorrah. Jeff Dumont’s momma was so slow she got dizzy watching a snail. Jeff Dumont’s momma so sick she got a pill for every one of her bones. Jeff Dumont’s momma sooooo stupid she be leaving her door unlocked at night. If, unlike Jeff Dumont’s momma, yo momma got some sense, bet on Burnett this November.
Also aired on October 18 – Del Burnett traveled back in time to initiate the Nazi invasion of Poland, and we have the pictures to prove it…