The day has finally come! Patriots, revolutionaries, defenders of the American way–come one, come all! Come celebrate the grand unveiling of Dreamland™ Theme Park with us this Fourth of July!
Situated right in our great nation’s capital, Dreamland is your one-way ticket to good old freedom-loving family fun! If you love your stars and bars, we love you! Come on down and get lost in the allure of illusion and the excitement of exclusivity! At Dreamland, we pledge allegiance to two things and two things only: the flag and fun!
Tired of all that communist nonsense polluting our billboards, movie theaters, radios, television sets, and worst of all, the hearts and minds of our children? We’re right there with you, and we’re ready to fight back! Only at Dreamland can you drown out the noise of radical indoctrination with our all-age shooting ranges, self-serve fireworks stands, and our one-of-a-kind Back the Blue™ Hall of Sirens! Ever wanted to relive the spine-tingling thrill of hearing a 1986 Dodge Diplomat squad car’s signature wail? At Dreamland, you can!
Think your little one is too young for the range? No worries—take your tot to Vigilanteville™, the first ever carnival-style shooting gallery designed to prepare players for real-life situations! Choose one of three immersive settings to shoot in—Dark Alley, Counter-Protest, or Suburban Cul-de-Sac—and the let the games begin! Our dedicated participants will serve as targets, and boy are they asking for it! See someone loitering suspiciously in the corner? Blam! Is that sweatshirt hood pulled a bit too low? Bang! Hang on—is that literally anything in his hand? Ka-boom!
If you think that sounds like a riot—don’t worry, we mean the good kind of riot—just wait ‘til you try the rides at Affirmation Station™! The theme of each ride features a powerful message designed to teach kids and reassure adults that there’s simply nothing better than the old red, white, and blue! Take a spin on the Blissful Ignorance™ to put any and all moral dilemmas in the rear view at speeds of up to 75 miles per hour! Worries about the country’s changing landscape are no match for the Reclaim™’s 225-foot drop! Still haven’t gotten your fill? You’re in luck! Our signature trio of lightning-fast coasters—Deny™, Deflect™, and Deport™—have just what you’re looking for! Trust me: Once those loops get through with you, you won’t be able to tell D-E-I from D-I-E!
And last but not least, help prepare the next generation of American leadership at the Freedom Fair™! Does your child have little to no interest in politics? No problem! Do they fundamentally lack any conception of the way Washington works? Of course they do, and really, who cares? Let your little leader simulate the proceedings of Congress, the Supreme Court, and the Oval Office with other future senators, judges, and presidents, and get them going in the right direction! Let’s be honest: Who needs a civics class? All you need to run these United States is heart, instinct, and a dream!
Featured image/photo by Briana Tozour on Unsplash.