From Washington, DC, it’s DECISION 2088: Your vote, your voice!
CRINKLE: Hello and welcome to APN’s coverage of DECISION 2088, where your voice matters. I’m Holly Crinkle…
FORRESTER: …and I’m Dax Forrester. Big news on the campaign trail today as the I Don’t Care Party nominee for president, House Representative Juniper the Pomeranian of Iowa, was caught on camera urinating in the Senate Chamber. The I Care Marginally More Party nominee, Senator Shelby the Beagle of California, had this to say on the matter:
REPORTER: Senator Shelby, did you feel that Representative Juniper’s actions were disrespectful?
SEN. SHELBY: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
FORRESTER: As you may remember, this isn’t the first time Senator Shelby has directed her trademarked low growls at her opponent at the polls this November. Just last month in what was likely the scandal of the year, Representative Juniper stole the contents of Senator Shelby’s monthly Bark Box subscription package, a bold and unexpected move that bolstered Juniper’s existing voter base while hurting her numbers with the nation at large.
CRINKLE: I Don’t Care National Committee chair Elias Henderson didn’t seem particularly fazed by his nominee’s actions, going so far as to suggest that “they’re dogs, and these are the kinds of things that they do.” Here’s more from Henderson:
HENDERSON: Look, it should be overwhelmingly obvious to everyone voting in or otherwise following this election that we gave up hope in the American democratic process a long time ago. We’ve pitted two drooling, bow-wowing, butt-dragging, honest-to-God dogs against each other for Christ’s sake, and it wasn’t until we started nominating housepets that we finally got to see two female candidates running against each other in a presidential election. With that being our status quo, do you think I’m terribly worried about who is pissing in what government facility?
CRINKLE: Tell us how you really feel, Mr. Henderson. He seems a tad on edge, don’t you think, Dax?
FORRESTER: You said it, Holly. In other election news, the political press was set ablaze last night when former President Ringo the Golden Retriever officially endorsed Senator Shelby, praising her policy propositions as “arf” and her political experience as “ruff” in the process. However, Former President Ringo’s endorsement may not end up carrying as much influence as the I Care Marginally More Party may like, owing to his illicit sexual liaison with 2082 National Dog Show champion Buffy the Poodle.
CRINKLE: While Representative Juniper’s polling continues to plummet following her recent faux pas, analysts say help could be on the way with the candidates’ second debate being a mere two weeks from now. Representative Juniper is expected to take her opponent to task on the topic of rising sea levels, particularly the complete submersion of the Florida Keys last February, and how to prevent a similar disaster from occurring in the Sea Islands of Florida, Georgia and South Carolina. With the homes and livelihoods of hundreds of thousands hanging in the balance, she offered a reassuring word on Tuesday:
REP. JUNIPER: Woof!
Featured image courtesy of sinisamaric1 on Pixabay.