Fake News: Incident Report

The content of this article is satirical and represents a work of fiction, Fake News. The names of the characters within are fictitious.

INCIDENT REPORT #006903

DATE OF REPORT: 06/07/2022

TYPE OF INCIDENT: B AND E

REPORTING OFFICER: RICKER, NELSON (#942)

On June 4, 2022 at 02:25 hours, I was dispatched to 865 Morris Street in reference to a neighbor’s complaint that the resident was disturbing the peace. Upon arriving at the address, I observed six vehicles parked in the driveway and six vehicles parked in the street near the residence, amounting to a total of twelve unique parked vehicles that I believed to have been positioned prior to their operators’ and potential but unconfirmed passengers’ entry into the residence. The makes of the vehicles, in the order that I observed them, were Ford, Toyota, Toyota, Mazda, Chevrolet, Dodge, Toyota, Toyota, Toyota, Toyota, Dodge, Ford. I observed that all six Toyotas were parked in the street instead of the driveway and considered the possibility of having witnessed the precursor to or aftermath of illicit activity by a Japanese criminal organization. I considered the possibility of the Mazda parked in the driveway belonging to the leader or another high-ranking member of the organization, suggested by its noticeably safer positioning in the driveway, protecting it from the threat of collateral damage in the event of a nearby vehicular accident, fallen telephone pole or tree, marauding young vandal, surprise hailstorm, and from theft. I redirected my attention to my initial task upon observing a white male emerge from the Mazda at 02:43 hours.

Immediately following this observation, Sergeant Mateo Estevez (#510) patched through to my handheld transceiver to request a situation report. I then informed Sergeant Estevez of my conjecture regarding the possibility of Japanese organized criminal activity, to which he responded with approximately 7 seconds of silence before abruptly ending the transmission. I cannot confirm the figure of 7 seconds because as I looked at my watch to time the length of Sergeant Estevez’s response, or non-response, depending on Sergeant Estevez’s preferred definition, which I have not consulted him about, I observed that the second hand of the watch ticked too quickly, meaning that I began timing in the middle or near the end of one second rather than the beginning of another. I posit that the true figure is closer to 7.2 or 7.3 seconds. After reaching this conclusion, I attempted to make note of the occurrence but was unable to locate a pen within the squad car for approximately 11 seconds. I cannot confirm the figure of 11 seconds because the phenomenon I was attempting to document reoccurred, but the tick was slightly slower than in the above-mentioned case, leading me to now posit that the true figure is closer to 11.4 or 11.45 seconds. The search for a pen subsequently concluded and I successfully documented both phenomena in my notepad, which I did not have to search for, as it was chambered in my tactical vest.

I then exited the squad car and directed my attention to the residence, which I noticed appeared to have inordinately loud music blaring from within it. I observed that the excessive volume of the music was likely to be the alleged disturbance of the peace referenced by the initial complaint. I then considered whether I felt personally disturbed by the volume before deciding that I did.

After reaching this conclusion, I began to advance toward the residence in order to make contact with the owner, but was subsequently distracted by a separate disturbance from a neighboring residence at 863 Morris Street. The disturbance was caused by two African American males, who have been identified as Jamar Green and Calvin Simmons, addressing me from the porch. Simmons referred to me as the “worst cop of all time,” which hurt my feelings. Green claimed to have witnessed me “sitting in the car doing nothing for 20 minutes” and insisted that he made the initial complaint. I then considered that, while I didn’t know how Green knew about the complaint, there was a possibility that he and Simmons were using the complaint as an alibi to shield themselves from being investigated for criminal activity. Upon recognizing that I had no justifiable reason to believe that Green and Simmons owned or lived in the residence, I drew my firearm, at which point they opened the front door and retreated inside. I then ran toward and into the residence in pursuit of the suspects, beginning to give chase at 02:52 hours.

I was not challenged upon entry to the residence. I observed that most of the lights within the residence were turned on, which I thought peculiar for a case of breaking and entering. I kept my firearm drawn and eventually found both suspects to have surrendered on their knees in the kitchen, at which point I advanced, applied handcuffs, and escorted the suspects outside to the squad car. On the way from the residence to the squad car, I observed that the music from the neighboring residence was still much too loud for the hour.