LAKE STREET ELEMENTARY REGISTER – Mrs. Thornton’s second-grade class has staged several protests since last week concerning controversial actions by Playground President Bobby Blankenburg.
Beginning last Tuesday, Bobby has demanded that his classmates bring him all worms and “cool-looking” rocks found during recess. The drama began when JD Thomas found an unusually long earthworm underneath the see-saw. JD called to his best friend Dylan Rose and two others, Aaron Wilshire and Chase Jones, and the four spent several minutes observing the creature JD named “The Worminator.” Bobby, finding them laughing and playing with something he couldn’t see, became furious and ordered that The Worminator be shown to him. After JD obeyed, Bobby took JD’s prize for himself and instructed the rest of the playground not to speak to JD, Dylan, Aaron, or Chase for the next three recesses.
“It was evil. Pure evil,” JD told the Register between sobs. “Me and Justin [Valdez] were supposed to play four square all week and now he can’t even talk to me. I hate Bobby’s guts and hope he dies. Please don’t tell him I said that.”
The controversy continued on Monday when Bobby instated a “Lunchables tax.” The tax requires anyone eating from a Lunchables container to forfeit the included sweet treat if it’s a Crunch bar or an Oreo, Bobby’s two favorite snacks. For Mrs. Thornton’s class, this turned out to be the last Capri Sun straw, if you will. For three days, the class has refused to play during recess, choosing instead to encircle Bobby while holding homemade signs criticizing his behavior. “Where’s The Worminator?” and “My Lunch, My Crunch” have been the most popular choices.
In an attempt to restore order, Bobby began fielding questions from protesters on day two of the proceedings. “What do you want me to do?” he asked, seeming desperate to get recess underway again. When the first to answer, Ayana Ross, said that she wanted her Crunch bars back, Bobby shot down her request by insisting that he “never took any.” “Everyone can keep their Crunch bars. I never said you had to give them to me,” said the President. “Yes, you did,” snapped Ayana, to which Bobby returned “Nuh-uh!”
JD, the heart of the crisis, spoke up in support of Ayana. “Yes, you did,” he repeated, “and you stole the Worminator, too.” “Nuh-uh,” rejoined Bobby.
The rest of recess proceeded in this manner, a variety of questions and accusations meeting the same response in every case: “You took my rock.” “Nuh-uh.” “You told people not to talk to JD, Dylan, Aaron, and Chase for three recesses.” “Nuh-uh.” “You never gave them back their worm, and they’re the ones who found it, and finders keepers.” “Nuh-uh.” The Register counted thirty-eight separate “nuh-uhs” by the conference’s conclusion.
A Register journalist’s mommy told him Friday that word of the ongoing controversy was reported to have reached the White House. Senior members of the Republican Party have applauded Bobby’s “bravery,” and plan to implement his “ingenious public relations strategy.”
Featured image courtesy of iStock/Getty Images.