White House insiders revealed Sunday that President John D. Seevers attempted to declare a national state of emergency concerning the threat of anti-white racism. The proposed declaration’s title, “Opposing the Ongoing White Genocide,” refers to the President’s recurring concerns about an alleged large-scale plot to effectively erase members of the white race from the country. Insiders, including former Director of National Intelligence Mitchell Mora, report that Seevers was enraged upon learning that such declarations are restricted to matters of grave national or geopolitical importance, such as safeguards and stopgaps against famine and war. Seevers is said to have asked “Since when has ethnic cleansing stopped being a matter of grave importance” and, rhetorically, “Do you have any idea how many white Americans there are?”
White House Press Secretary Sabrina Stott avoided giving straight answers to most questions about the declaration attempt at a press briefing, opting instead to only comment on official presidential actions. However, she did reveal that the President believes his concerns are substantiated by the work of conservative Breitbart columnist Judd Gross who has written extensively on the matter. Our journalists were able to reach Gross for comment.
When asked if he was aware of the impact his work has had on Seevers’ philosophy, Gross admitted that the President was a “close friend and confidant.” “I actually call him Johnny, you know,” said Gross. “We go way back. It’s really nice to have a head of state presiding over three hundred million constituents who relies on opinion journalism to help direct official policy. That’s something those whiny, pedantic stuffed shirts on the other side wouldn’t dare to do. But Johnny? That’s the best thing about him—he connects to the people.”
Addressing critics who believe the scope of anti-white racism pales in comparison to that of racism against racial minorities, Gross began by adopting a sympathetic tone. “I get that. I really do. You say, ‘How can white people be oppressed when they make more money, live in better neighborhoods, receive shorter prison sentences, don’t fear for their lives at every traffic stop, and weren’t socioeconomically set back centuries by a half-millennium of torture, rape, and labor exploitation?’ Fair points, all. But to those I say, ‘Why does it seem like every commercial these days features a biracial family?’ Simple—this country wants to end the white bloodline.”
While Gross admits he’s “honored” to see how influential his work has been to President Seevers, he says that he can’t take all the credit. “I first started thinking along these lines because of Lynch and Mullen from the Dead Red podcast. But get this—they got their ideas from this guy passing out pamphlets in front of a tractor pull, and he got his ideas from his brother’s half-brother’s half-sister’s second cousin’s father-in-law’s chiropractor’s Facebook group! Seriously, how can you hear something like that and not think that this is by far the greatest country in the world? What’s more democratic than that? One game of telephone and bam—you’re in the Oval Office!”
Featured image courtesy of Adobe Stock (AnnaStills).