In an unprecedentedly expedient flurry of nominations, President-elect John D. Seevers has tapped all prospective members of his cabinet in one fell swoop. Several of his picks, which were announced on Monday, have raised questions about the President-elect’s judgment and habit of rewarding loyalty over competency. Nominations that have come under scrutiny include:
Secretary of Defense: Al-Qaeda leader Saif al-Adel
Secretary of the Treasury: Scrooge McDuck
Attorney General: The Sicilian Mafia
Secretary of Agriculture: In Seevers’ words, “Whoever emits the most greenhouse gases”
Secretary of Transportation: Precise identity unknown, but described by Seevers as “a prominent Amish bishop”
Secretary of Education: “Peanuts” schoolteacher Miss Othmar
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Actor Sylvester Stallone (Seevers exclusively refers to Stallone, who is not a member of the military community, as “Rambo,” evoking concern regarding his understanding of cinema as a concept)
Administrator of the Small Business Administration: Amazon founder and executive chairman Jeff Bezos
Director of National Intelligence: President of Russia Vladimir Putin
Seevers has yet to explain how two cartoon characters and another nation’s president will manage to direct executive affairs, but he is expected to address the press in the days to come. In the meantime, virtually every major American newspaper and magazine (save for those in support of Seevers) has panned the President-elect’s cabinet picks. Writing from The New York Times, The New Yorker, and The Atlantic described Seevers’ nominations as “sure to turn Orwell in his grave,” “literally impossible to bring to fruition,” and “the work of a man who openly despises his country and could not care less about who knows,” respectively.
Sen. Alan Seitz-Hall (D-N.H.) released an official statement regarding Seevers’ nominations shortly after they were announced. In the statement, the Senator, who ran unsuccessfully for president in 2012, called Seevers’ cabinet “by itself an act of war.”
“It would not be in any way hasty, dramatic, or improper,” wrote Sen. Seitz-Hall, “if our incumbent president and Secretary of Defense responded by immediately declaring DEFCON 5. That is how dire a situation this is. The only conclusion to be drawn from the singularly treasonous and masochistic nature of President-elect Seevers’ nominations is that he wants to destroy the United States of America from within. There is simply no other explanation for why fictional characters, a criminal organization, and one of the world’s most openly anti-American military leaders would feature among them. Although I am beyond frightened and upset following his announcement, I am almost impressed by the President-elect’s unique ability to find the absolute least qualified individual for a particular post. You cannot teach that.”
Though most of Seevers’ picks have yet to speak to the public about their nominations, our publication received what appeared to be an authentic statement from Scrooge McDuck, the President-elect’s nominee for Secretary of the Treasury. “I am honored to have been considered for this critically important position, and thank President-elect Seevers heartily for my nomination,” wrote the self-proclaimed “adventure-capitalist.” “I have long thought that our values and interests aligned perfectly.”