Esteemed law firm Cooper, Thompson & Cooper made legal history Monday as the first organization to file a class action lawsuit against roughly half of the human race.
The unprecedentedly far-reaching suit seeks to hold every woman on Earth accountable for “incalculable financial and psychological damages” sustained from infidelity, sexual harassment, and sexual abuse-related divorces and firings. The civil complaint, clocking in at a lengthy, sharply-worded eighty pages, identifies “so-called female ‘victims’” as the culprits of such incidents, and, audaciously, all female human beings as “invariably and inarguably guilty of fostering the female culture of victimhood responsible for these miscarriages of justice.”
Eli Ballmer, a spokesperson for Cooper, Thompson & Cooper, responded to our reporters’ request for comment.
“Our firm is incredibly proud to be bringing this landmark class action lawsuit forward,” wrote Ballmer in an official statement. “Though tragically overdue, the time has come to establish sweeping legal protections and pathways to pecuniary compensation for the billions of men who have suffered the perils of global misandry. Cooper, Thompson & Cooper strongly believes the universally accepted adage stating that behind every successful man lurks a rapacious, conniving succubus of a woman. Our firm holds that in the hypothetical—though entirely impossible—absence of female promiscuity, male ‘infidelity’ and ‘sexual aggression’ would finally be seen as what they truly are: fictions derived from baseless, man-hating propaganda.”
Devin Cooper, a founding partner of the firm, is thought to have an especially vested interest in the lawsuit. Cooper has been the target of a plethora of sexual harassment claims throughout his career, including allegations by female employees of directing lewd comments toward them, insisting that they wear revealing outfits in the workplace, and requiring them, as a condition of employment, to exclusively refer to him as “Big D.” While Cooper was never disciplined for any of the alleged acts, many commentators speculate that his firm’s lawsuit seeks to ensure a future in which such disciplinary action would be impossible to justify.
Alyssa Rosenwald, a former clerk at the firm who now heads the Eve Initiative, a women-focused legal nonprofit, called the lawsuit “grotesque” and “inexpressibly demoralizing.” Cooper took to the firm’s newsletter to call Rosenwald “frumpy” and “needlessly concerned with harassment, considering how evidently unworthy of it she is.”
Since the suit was filed, the legal and corporate worlds have been aflame with discussion concerning the attainability of its goals. Washington Post opinion columnist Sunita Chokshi summarized the most prominent question in her latest title: “Can You Make Four Billion Women Pay Reparations?” According to Ballmer, the answer is simpler than you might think.
“The language of the civil complaint clearly states that income tax and mandatory wage garnishment will be the primary avenues for the transferal of compensatory damages. Cooper, Thompson & Cooper believes that this transaction model is the optimal choice for two reasons. First, it is by far the simplest way to ensure seamless and timely payments. Second, it counteracts the closing of the ‘gender pay gap’ should such closing ever actually begin to occur.”
Featured image/photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash.