APRIL 5, 2031 – PARADISE BAR – KOH CHANG DISTRICT, THAILAND
So, you see—another Diet Coke, thanks—it really started out as an experiment. This was long before politics, too. I guess one way to put it would be that I wanted to test the limits of confidence and self-belief. I wanted to see if you could truly “fake it ‘til you make it.”
The idea came to me in grade school, where I was already filthy rich because my father gave us thousands of dollars in allowance every year. Can you believe that? Anyway, this idea. I was born into a mansion, an extremely successful family business, and a life where I never had to lift a finger to get what I wanted. So, I simply asked myself, “What’s left to do?” That’s when it hit me. Actually, it was another question: “What can’t I do?”
What I was trying to figure out, even back then, was if there was any limit to what could be accomplished with vast resources and a vaster ego. Of course, I already had the money. I was getting that without even asking. The next step was to see if I could sustain my success by doing nothing other than plastering my name on everything. You wouldn’t believe how well that worked. Buildings, steaks, ties, board games—you name it. All I ever did was put my name on the thing and say, “Trust me!” And they ate it up! I know! Like I knew the first thing about ties. I didn’t even start tying them myself until I was thirty!
By then I’d amassed a second fortune to go on top of the first fortune I never worked a day in my life for. My idea had panned out perfectly, but I was getting bored. I’d been rich my entire life and famous for most of it. That’s when I decided to take my theory to the next level by seeing if wealth and ego were enough to win the biggest prize of all: America.
I decided I was going to run for office, and I really gave those suckers every opportunity to shut me down. I was saying and doing the craziest things I could think of to see what they’d let slide. Turns out they’ll let anything slide!
I associated all Muslims with terrorism and people still voted for me. I refused to condemn actual terrorists and people still voted for me. I incited a riot on a federal building and people still voted for me. I planted this one story where I was joking about sexually assaulting women, and people still voted for me—even women! There was simply nothing these imbeciles wouldn’t go for. All I had to do was regurgitate all this third-grade reading-level foolishness about how I was basically God. “I’m the best ever, no one’s ever been as good as me, no one could ever be as good as me,” stuff like that. No, I swear! They really bought it!
Featured image/photo by Pau Casals on Unsplash.