President John D. Seevers – Executive Order 14135 – February 13, 2025
By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, I hereby order as follows:
Sec. 1. Purpose. For far too long in these great United States of America, diligent, dutiful, God-fearing patriots have been subjected to jeering, hostility, and mental, verbal, and physical abuse for no particular offense but simply living their lives. The direness of the situation in our country cannot be overstated—existence has not only effectively been criminalized, but it has become worthy of the most brutal of intimidation and assimilation tactics, the likes of which were previously believed to have long been vanquished to past, darker chapters of American history. Historians and political analysts the world over fear that our nation is at risk of regressing into authoritarian and dystopian status should we fail to address this critical dilemma properly. In these United States, where we rightly boast our commitment to remaining the singular Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, direct action must be taken to prevent the unparalleled disaster this situation threatens to cause.
To this end, as a part of my Administration’s commitment to the constitutional promise to protect Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness, this government absolutely must and will wage a sweeping assault against the greatest of all contemporary social ills: guilt. Undeserved guilt is the most powerful weapon in the anti-American traitor’s arsenal. This storied, standard-setting Union, founded by fearlessly patriotic and scrupulous men, stands to be remorselessly torn down by those who are inexplicably offended by the representation of those same values in the American citizens of today. To love one’s country, one’s government, and one’s own self constitutes cruelty of the highest order to these amoral provocateurs. My Administration will take swift and significant action to neutralize the threat that they pose.
Sec. 2. Defending Patriots From Undeserved Guilt. (a) There is hereby established a Protecting Guilt-Stricken Patriots Task Force. The Task Force’s primary objective is to identify instances of guilt weaponization in workplaces, establishments of primary, secondary, and higher education, and, in certain cases, public. Prominent examples of reportable offenses include:
(i) Suggesting that it is advantageous to be born into a “wealthy” and/or “white” family;
(ii) Suggesting that certain social privileges in America are disproportionately distributed;
(iii) Disseminating conspiratorial rhetoric designed to guilt others, such as suggesting the existence of a racial or sexual “wealth gap”;
(iv) Suggesting to a “wealthy” person that the United States disproportionately serves their interests;
(v) Disturbing the equanimity and/or emotional well-being of the President of the United States through any abovementioned or similar suggestions.
(b) Within 90 days of the date of this order, the Task Force shall submit to the President a report containing a risk assessment and strategy to effectively combat the prospect of any more patriots’ feelings being hurt.
Featured image photo courtesy of Freepik.