Man in suit handcuffed, fake news claim.

Fake News: If I Were Black

Following what historians and criminologists agreed was an unprecedented spree of criminal offenses, Tuscaloosa, Ala. native Jeffrey Hotchkiss Jr. said in his initial court hearing that he was treated unfairly. Though the 47-year-old executed four robberies, three kidnappings, and twenty-four assaults in the span of two months, he claimed that the “utterly blatant prejudices of the public” were to blame.

Against the advice of his attorney, Hotchkiss was unusually vocal during proceedings. “Thing is, if I were black,” said Hotchkiss to the Honorable Kathleen Childs, “I wouldn’t be here right now. The papers would call me a product of my environment or a victim of the school-to-prison pipeline. And even if I did get busted, you’d have about a hundred BLM terrorists causing a ruckus outside and threatening to burn this courthouse to the ground; screaming about ‘defund the police’ and ‘no justice, no peace’ or something or other. Bringing me down while leaving those thugs free to roam our streets is the grossest miscarriage of justice imaginable.” 

Alabama Gov. Wendell Short commented on the proceedings during a Friday press conference. “If he were black,” said Short, “this state would be upside down already. Riots, lootings, shootings—the whole nine. And I mean that ‘nine’ as in nine millimeter, because you know how these people are. These days you’ve got enough lead being shot in the streets to put Dixon Ticonderoga out of business.”

Hotchkiss, who could face a maximum penalty of seven consecutively-served life sentences, told reporters on the courthouse steps that he plans to publish a ‘manifesto’ from prison if convicted. “I’ve been drafting it for a while now,” said Hotchkiss. “I’ll just have to add in the more recent bits, like this case and my so-called ‘crimes.’ Anyway, it’s all about the way that blacks in this country are pampered like kings while us commonfolk are left fighting for scraps. I’m already in talks with multiple publishers and have received blurb commitments from eighteen governors and sixty-odd congressmen.”

Hotchkiss’ attorney Jordan DiNucci was initially resistant to reporters’ requests for comment, but gave a brief statement just before leaving the courthouse. “This is a sensitive case with many moving parts and many competing perspectives,” said DiNucci. “All I ask of the media and the American public is to consider one perspective that I fear in this day and age that we are much too comfortable overlooking. Ask yourself: What if my client were black? Thank you.”

After Gov. Short’s press conference, White House Press Secretary Sabrina Stott echoed the Governor’s sentiments by way of the President. “President Seevers believes that the criminal penalties faced by Mr. Hotchkiss constitute a deliberate flouting of justice. He believes that the condition of the criminal justice system in Alabama, despite Governor Short’s best efforts, is, quote, ‘Sad, very sad.’”

When asked if the President would consider commuting Hotchkiss’ sentence if convicted, Stott replied, “Absolutely.” 

“Would a commutation be considered if Hotchkiss were black?” continued the reporter.

“No further questions,” said Stott abruptly.

Featured image photo courtesy of Racool on Freepik.